Abraham Lincoln
Synopsis Abraham Lincoln was a Republican and inventor of the first time machine. He was created on February 15, 2234 in a secret CIA laboratory in the lush jungles of Antartica by combining the preserved genes of Ronald Reagan, Chuck Norris, and Lynn Chenney. Abraham Lincoln would eventually travel back in time to the year 1861, pose as President of the United States and single handedly fight the American Civil War. Early Life Abraham Lincoln was created in a secret CIA laboratory with the intention of making a super republican capable of taking on super Al Franken who had been genetically engineered by the Democratic elite a year earlier and signaled the start of an arms race between the Democrats and the Republicans which would last for the next 600 years, only ending when a robotic Hillary Clinton was defeated by the T-1000. At the age of six (6) Abraham Lincoln became lost in the jungles of Antartica and was exposed to solar radiation through the hole in the ozone layer. The radiation caused Abraham Lincoln to grow to over nine feet tall and would later account for his difficulty finding clothing that would fit him. The exposure to radiation also caused Abraham Lincoln to suffer from a severe case of Hulkitis which ocurred when Abraham Lincoln became angry. (We would later talk about this disorder at the Gettysburg Address. He originally stated, "You won't like me when I'm angry", but the liberal media later edited out this original quote and replaced it with "Four score and seven years ago..."). When Abraham Lincoln became a teenager, he began work on a time machine. His work on the machine was not officially sanctioned by the CIA and was the only time when Abraham Lincoln found himself in direct opposition with his creators. Abraham Lincoln eventually completed his time machine and intended to use it to transport himself to the year 1960, where he planned to assassinate William Jefferson Clinton, but a clerical error resulted in him being sent to the year 1860. Election of 1860 Abraham Lincoln found himself in the year 1860 and without enough plutonium to generate the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity he needed to return to his time, he proceeded to run for the Presidency of the United States. He won in a landslide election and then challenged the slave holding south to a spitting contest. Abraham Lincoln defeated the South's best spitter who was so bitter he attacked Fort Sumter and started the American Civil War. American Civil War Initially Abraham Lincoln chose to allow Union Solders to fight the war. However, after a series of defeats at the hands of the Confederate Soldiers, Lincoln decided to take things into his own hands and met General Lee at Gettysburg. The attempts by General Lee to break Lincoln's line only infuriated him and put Abraham Lincoln into a hulk-like rage and resulted in Abraham Lincoln single handedly defeating General Lee's army. As General Lee cowared before the fuming Lincoln, he pulled a pistol, but was swiftly punted by Lincoln, sending Lee hurling into space. General Lee returns every 76 years as Haley's Comet. With the Battle of Gettysburg over, the American Civil War was essentially over. Mopping up operations continued for another two years with Lincoln occasionally entered the fray. He helped spearhead General Sherman's march toward Atlanta and his exploits can be seen in "Gone with the Wind". Death With the defeat of the South, Abraham Lincoln felt much more at ease. He decided to go to a play and was subsequently shot by an unemployed and pathetic actor, Al Franken. The bullet failed to kill Lincoln immediately, and only stunned him. Franken, on the other hand was not so lucky. He was hunted down by Union Soldiers, only to escape in the very time machine that had brought Lincoln to 1860. Franken used Ed Begley Jr's electric motor to generate the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity needed and transported himself to 1936 Germany, where he would become Adolf Hitler. Lincoln, was unfortunately unable to leave and died of an infection after struggling to survive for another eighteen years. At the age of six (6) he declared his affinity for the Republican Party and vowed to build he which he proved by suspending the right of Habeus Corpus. He would have watched The Colbert Report if they had Televisions back then. He is unanimously acknowledged as being our country's most "Reaganesque" president. Background Abraham Lincoln, born in Fake Town, Virginia in 1776. When a young man, Jesus spoke to him and told hime to go west and found the state of Illinois. He was the third president of the United States. He led the American States in the War Against France in 1872. He was shot to death during a pub brawl, probably by an Iraqi terrorist. George Bush swore to avenge his death. Impact Today Early in the 21st century a Giant Abraham Lincoln statue terrorized Washington DC until Jesus and his Super Best Friends built a Giant John Wilkes Boothe statue to kill it.